IUI2 - Day 10 moody

I seem to have come down with a malaise. I'm feeling quite moody and this has me questioning my decisions. Well, not really questioning my decisions in a virulent way. But more questioning everything. Is this the right path? Will I be a good mom? Am I crazy for trying this? The unknown is a scary place. This is why people often stick with the devil they know. I'm no different. I've certainly spent large portions of my life on 'the comfortable path'. But I've also jumped into the complete unknown on more than one occasion. Usually guided by clarity of purpose. Because that tends to override any lingering doubts or fears. I guess in some ways that's how this is for me. I feel very certain that pursuing single motherhood is the right decision. But perhaps because it's a timely process with no guarantees, it leaves me a bit more time than usual to think about it. In the past the major life decision upheavals I've made have been on a much shorter timescale (although no less disruptive). Moving to another city? Moving to another country? Deciding which graduate schools to go to? Undertaking a PhD? I know that I will adapt to whatever my new situation is. But I guess sometimes, when I'm feeling discouraged and scared, it all seems a bit overwhelming. How will I cope? What if I hate being a mother? Part of it is also the fear of doing it all alone. Who will I turn to? Who can I rely on? I know that I will have help from various sources- both family and friends. But ultimately it's just going to be me. I'm scared I'm not ready. I'm scared it will happen. I'm scared it won't happen. I have no idea if this is related to the low dose of hormones (Gonal F) I've been injecting now for 2 months. It's certainly not PMS- it's the wrong time. I think part of this is also about the boyfriend. He was over yesterday/last night. And that was all fine. But we don't really talk about the baby plan because it causes upset. He did watch me inject. He just doesn't ask any questions and I stick to keeping him informed of the basics. I don't feel like I can talk about my emotions with him without him thinking about how it affects him. If I say I'm scared of doing it alone, he could turn around and say that I am rejecting him as a person to do it with. To be fair, I'm not at all sure he would say that at all, but it's probably what keeps me from talking to him about it. It highlights that I'm doing it separate from him which I know is a point of upset for him. So I just don't. I think also living here in Cambridge.... it's not where my good friends are. The problem is, my closest friends aren't in any one place anymore. There's a couple in London, a couple in Manchester, one is in South Africa, one is moving to Australia at the end of this month, one is in Sheffield, one is in Norfolk, some are in New York. My village is global. Which is great for other reasons. But right now, living here, in a city which isn't my first choice, it feels lonely. I don't have a large base of friends here. The friends I do have are not so close that I want to have an emotional dump with them. Meh. I'm just feeling blah at the moment. I'm sure it will pass. In the meantime, scan tomorrow morning and this will hopefully determine when the trigger is. This IUI cycle seems to have gone incredibly fast. Shame that the two week wait won't, I'm sure!