Tuesday, February 6, 2018

T minus 4 Days Until First Birthday

Can you believe it? I certainly can't. Where does the time go??!!

I am in some ways incredibly sad that I have been unable to keep up with this blog to document MJ's first year of life. It's been an incredible whirlwind. So much has happened. Now it all seems like a beautiful blur.

I do say that overall I find I handle motherhood and life well, but the reality is that something has got to give. For me it's been my home (which is a tip), and things like this blog- things that used to fill my personal time. Also in this category are knitting, reading, cooking, tidying, and shopping.

I wouldn't change it for anything.

So what can I say that could in any way cover the gap from my last post? MJ will officially be a toddler on Saturday, although she is not yet toddling. She does want to stand up all the time. She's getting much better at pulling herself up to it, and has take a few tentative shuffles but is not yet confidently cruising.

I'm back at work full-time which also means my personal time is limited. Although I'm writing this at work, so what does that tell you?  The adjustment wasn't nearly as bad as I thought it might be. MJ was 7 months old when I returned to work half time for one month and 8 months old when I returned to work full time.  I think it was a very good time for this to happen as she was becoming an inquisitive, busy and active baby as opposed to a snuggly stay put newborn. So nursery was a great environment for her to explore new people, new toys, new things. I could not be happier with our nursery arrangement.

As an interesting side note, one thing I'm very thankful for is that in MJ's nursery class of 14 in total, there are 2 children (including MJ) with only a mom (and a donor) and 1 child with two moms. How cool is that? That means all of these children will grow up thinking that alternate families are just normal, and no child is isolated in that way.

And work is very stimulating and accommodating. I loved maternity leave. But I also love my job. I love that I am proud of what I do and feel I will be a good role model for my daughter.  I also love that for the most part, my job has a very good work life balance, which my previous career path did not. It feels like many things have fallen into place, and I'm happy to just focus on being a mother and doing my job. Things are set up to allow me to just... thrive in the environment I've created. I think that's just a fantastic gift that I've given myself. The space to just be and experience the life I've shaped.  I never want to take that for granted.

So maybe I should just post this now, so there is some sort of update. Work is busy, but maybe I can have this as a little procrastination thing, and update a little more often.

Saturday, June 3, 2017

3 months 24 days - So many changes

First, I am sad that I haven't been keeping track of things here. I can't believe how quickly a baby grows and changes. People say to treasure the moments but before you know it, your sleepy delicate little newborn is much more of a baby and somehow got twice as big before you noticed!

MJ and I are doing great. Maternity leave is awesome. I mean really awesome. I love that my only responsibility is to take care of her. We have three more months of this and then I'll be going back to work when she is just about 7 months. To the Europeans among the readers this will seem early and to the Americans it will seem extravagant. I"m lucky to have both perspectives- so I can feel lucky to have this amazing amount of time with my daughter. But I also have the other perspective and I am not looking forward to handing her over to daycare and getting back to work.

On the upside, I have been offered a place at one of the University nurseries which is great. It's subsidized, so there's that, but it's actually just an awesome nursery with an 'outstanding' Ofsted rating. I went to visit it and I was actually looking forward to MJ being old enough that I could bring her for real. So that's good.

It's really hard for me to understand that I am a mother and what that means. Right now I just sort of exist, happily, day to day. I don't know that I can identify the ways in which I feel any different. Instead, it's been a rather seamless transition from not being a mother, to being one. I suppose these are matters for the future. I don't have to think about it much right now, because I exist in this pleasant limbo of time off of my 'real' life. I suspect things will change when I try to balance work with motherhood, but right now I don't have to worry about it.

Okay. I'll try to delve into topics of specific interest in the future, but just thought I'd update. Out of curiosity, and if any reader has an opinion, this bog was titled 'attempting' single motherhood before I knew it was going to happen. Should I start a new blog about being a mother or is that silly?

Wednesday, March 15, 2017

1 month 5 days - Settling in to the whirlwind

** I just noticed I put this post on the wrong blog!! So I've moved it to here. I am going to try and do some occasional posting and get back into it... motherhood really is a crazy whirlwind!!

I don't get much time to type on the computer so updates are unfortunately going to be a bit slow. I've been working on my 'birth story' post in chunks. It's going to be a very long post, so I thought in the meantime I'd post an update here.

Motherhood is excellent. MJ is a relatively easy going baby at almost 5 weeks old. She changes so fast though! In the hospital I was already missing being pregnant and incredibly conscious of how precious each day was with her because she is growing so quickly! Newborn babies don't do very much. They're so little and delicate and lovely. And you are swimming with hormones that make it all the more intense.

The hormones have somewhat abated now and MJ is entering into her first 'wonder week' meaning she is more awake, more alert, and more of a growing person. It's also lovely and fascinating, but it's different. And all of it is passing in a strange haze of endless days at home, of breast feeding, diaper changes, sleep, and a bit of television.

My mom has been here for 3 weeks, so there is one more week to go. It's been okay with her here for the most part. Although she's changed all of one diaper....

Ah, see how this works- MJ is crying, and the boob bar needs to open. More later when I get a chance!

Tuesday, March 7, 2017

Tuesday, February 7, 2017

38w6d - Boundaries and respect

As the time gets closer for baby to arrive, and for my mother to arrive, she has become more problematic. Last weekend we got into a huge fight which kicked off because she started angling to again 'be at the birth' because she hopes that when she arrives the baby won't be here yet. When I was in the States in October, we arranged her ticket. I kept suggesting she come on the 28th (2 weeks past due date) but she insisted on coming on the 22nd. Again, this was really because she was trying/hoping to be here before the baby comes which would force the issue of her being here for it even though I've told her more than once that I don't want her there.

At any rate, she started in again last weekend which put me in the awkward position of again having to tell her that I don't want her there at which point she started telling how I 'wasn't very nice'. I don't think I can possibly explain how invasive this came across to me as. As if my body, and my intimate experience with my birth and baby had anything to do with her at all? On top of which, to continue to not respect that we've already had this conversation and to push it with me was infuriating. And so this degenerated into a full on argument with accusations flying and history being dragged up. On the one hand, it completely cemented for me exactly WHY I don't want her here for the birth, but on the other hand, it made me so angry and upset which is not the mental state that I need to be in as I prepare for birth.

I don't like the person that I feel forced to become around my mother. But she doesn't listen to me. She doesn't take any responsibility for her own failings. And if I give her an inch, she takes a mile. So no inch can be given. This was reiterated yesterday when we spoke for the first time since last weekend (which is actually about our normal rate of communication so not odd) and the talk was going completely fine until she brought up that she wants me to call her when I go into labor. I told her I'm not calling anyone when I go into labor. She said she wasn't 'anyone' she was my mother and I reiterated that I'm not calling anyone at which point she again started to say I wasn't very nice and then just said she was going to hang up and I said fine, so we hung up on each other before a fight could kick off again.

The thing is, if she'd asked much earlier - emphasis on ASKED - about how she could be involved or expressed a desire to be involved, then maybe I could have worked something out with her. But a week after her manipulative crap about wanting to be there for the birth is not the time to try to invent an alternative way  to get what she wants. I don't really see the point of telling her when I go into labor, as I won't want to 'be in touch' with her during labor, and she'll need to wait until I'm ready to announce baby anyway. It would give her the window needed to ring the hospital or other people to bother them if I'm not answering the phone. And labor can take an unknown amount of time. It could be 3 days from when I text her to 3 hours. I'm not sure why she wants to know this other than to secure her place 'at my birth' in whatever way possible. I am not at all convinced, that she wants to know because she is concerned about me in any way. It's all about her. And frankly, my birth is in no way about her, and hence, she is not invited.

Such a fucking mess. It's really frustrating. I don't like how we interact. I don't like that she's manipulative and doesn't respect my choices and authority. I worry about the future and how she will be around me and my daughter. I worry about how I will respond to how she behaves because I don't like the person she brings out in me.

I've said this before, and it's worth saying again, that my mother does all of this from a good place in her heart. She does mean well, and she does love me, and loves this unborn baby more than anything in the world. But she doesn't see how she acts. She doesn't acknowledge when she is rude, dismissive, or disrespectful. She doesn't involve me in her decisions (about me), and treats me like an honest to god child, not a 42 year old woman. This leads to an acrimonious relationship that sits just underneath both of us holding it together most of the time. But birth is emotional and personal and raw; and you can't keep up the nice facade this close to it.

I really hope that I have people in place (doulas, boyfriend) to help manage her being here, and that she does surprise me (as people keep suggesting) and is actually helpful and calm and positive. Right now though, I feel incredibly wary of her, and maybe it's my emerging mama bear coming out, but I have even less tolerance and patience than I would normally try to when it comes to dealing with her. Anyway, we'll see. In the meantime, I'm trying to get her out of my mind and go back to focusing on having a positive birth experience. One that doesn't include my mother.

Monday, February 6, 2017

38w5d - Closer and closer

Sorry for being out of touch! The last few weeks at work were insane. Seriously, insane. It's all good stuff, but it meant that I was working non-stop training my maternity replacement, and trying to do as much as possible for the new program that we are acquiring before I left (that I will be running when I get back).

So time passed, and now I'm in the final countdown. A few different things have happened which are probably worth recording here. From arguing with my mother, to everything I'm doing to try to get baby to come on her own before the induction. Then there's getting the house ready and all the 'nesting'. By the way, I despise the word nesting. I don't think being prepared is anything special or significant. Bringing a new baby into your home requires various degrees of preparation which may mean new furniture and finding places for things and moving things around. It isn't 'nesting', it's just being fucking practical. I have heard of women who start to go insane cleaning, although again, you think about this new responsibility and the lack of a good immune system and I think yes, it's better to clean some stuff then be irresponsible. But I honestly don't think it's 'special', I think it's smart!

So I've been preparing for baby girl by getting the nursery ready, washing a ton of clothes and blankets and muslins and anything else she might use. I've tried to clear up the clutter and sort through things that I've had sitting around for some time. I mean, it was easy to have those things sitting around, but with all the new things coming into my house, I had less space, and it forced me to look at some of these piles of things.

But basically I think I'm ready. I've ordered everything that I thought was 'essential' for me. The only thing I haven't set up is the 'Next 2 me' cot because it's going to be a big obstacle in my room which is fine when baby is here, but I don't think I need to live with empty for a week more or so. But the sheets and everything that goes into it are ready, so hopefully setting it up won't take much time at all.

I've packed two of the three bags I'm taking to the hospital. Baby's bag was the first to be packed and has everything I'll need for her in hospital and to come home. In my NCT class, they suggested packing up the nappy/diaper bag as baby's bag to start to get used to it which I thought was sensible, so that's exactly what I've done. I've also packed my 'going home' bag which includes two pairs of comfortable pajamas, two outfits, a bunch of oversized cotton underwear, an entire pack of maternity pads, some disposable underwear, breast pads, nipple cream, toiletries, etc. The only bag I need to still put together is the 'labouring' bag which includes two robes (one very lightweight as a cover, and one thicker/towel weight robe), slippers, portable speaker, essential oil, magic wand (maybe), TENS unit, food & drink, etc. Basically, everything I might want while I labor. Some of it is sitting in a pile, so it's not that it would be so difficult to shove it all in a bag if it was an emergency, but I'm pretty sure I have time.

Since going on leave, I've started to be more conscientious about the things you can do to promote labor. I've been to acupuncture twice and am scheduled to go again Wednesday and Friday this week. I started with some nipple stimulation using my breast pump which I think did make me more crampy (and I managed to express some colostrum) but when I stopped it all stopped. I'll come back to it, but I wanted a break and felt it was perhaps early. I'm trying to walk although baby is definitely engaged and walking can put incredible pressure on my bladder. Today I basically walked while lifting my bump slightly just to get her off it! I've been eating 6 dates a day for weeks now, and that continues. What else? Bouncing on a ball. I'm really not convinced there is loads you can do to bring about labor. I'm scheduled for a membrane sweep next Monday and the following Wednesday as a last resort. Because I'm also scheduled for an induction on the 17th. After all I've gone through to push off the induction and have good support from the hospital staff, I'm now pretty much determined to go through with it for the sole reason that it will be much much better for my mental health if the baby arrives before my mother does on the 22nd. This is, by the way, a terrible reason to push forward with an induction, but I'm trying to balance mental health and physical health and right now mental health is winning. This is why I'm committed to pretty much doing everything possible to hope that labor starts on its own before then.

But I think my next post will be about my struggles with my mother right now. This post is already long.

Oh yeah, in other news, I've been using the elastolabo and Epi-No nightly and it's given me some confidence about the birthing process. When I started with the Epi-No, it was around 7cm. It's now up to 9.5 and while it makes me feel 'full' and isn't necessarily comfortable, it helps me to know that I've pushed something out of my vagina with that diameter. I've looked up that an average baby head is about 11cm, so that's 1.5cm away. At least it makes me feel less frightened of tearing, and has helped me to understand how having something that large lodged in your privates is likely to feel (i.e., how you feel it more in your bottom). So I'm pleased with that investment. Just hoping I actually get the chance to give birth vaginally!

Midwife appointment tomorrow. Not expecting anything unusual.

It's very strange to be off work. Right now it just feels like some sort of long weekend. It's hard to remember that life is going on without me and people are going to work and getting on with things while I putter around. On the one hand it's good because they really do leave you alone once you're on leave. On the other hand, it's just really odd to suddenly just be on the outside!

Okay, enough for now, more soon.

Tuesday, January 31, 2017

37w6d - Cycle all the way

This is me on my last day of work. Many people have expressed surprise that I'm still cycling at this late stage of pregnancy. In fact, cycling is FAR more comfortable to me than walking. When I walk, every step pushes on my bladder in a very unpleasant way. When I cycle, I'm sitting! Yes, I get winded more quickly, but I've never been a speedy cyclist. So here I am, on my bike, 37w6d pregnant.